Saturday, December 27, 2008

oh, tara

oh, I hate being sick. especially when nobody's around to take care of you. and especially when I left my pig in texas. and especially when you still have to go to work. 3 days off this week... maybe i'll actually do stuff again- blog and facebook and do laundry and finish editing pictures and clean. just maybe...

Monday, December 22, 2008

ouch, that stings just a tad.

i'm ready to come back home. where is home? i don't even know. 
i don't know what i want to do with myself. 2009 is so close, another year. bleh. 2008 was a good rebuilding year, grew a lot, didn't do as many things as i wanted, wasn't quite as productive or figure out quite as many things as i thought i might. what can you do??? i guess if there's any time to be this indecisive and fluttery it's when your single and almost young. 

Friday, December 19, 2008

new sucksico.

no, I'm not blogging from a traffic jam in albuqeurque.... hmm... I've always said nm is the armpit of the nation, and I feel it stronger than ever tonight. we totally got ahead of the storm in utah and got to be in moab at sunset. I cried inside cause we had no time to stop there. we are planning on making it to san anton' just in time for the franke christmas. we got pulled over first cause kristi's pimp tint is so dark its illegal in utah ( something about only letting in 16 percent of light instead of the legal 43... the next time was about an hour ago cause I was going 90 in a 70. the hp was a dick (they always are way worse than cops)... now we're going 4 mph in the stupidly-named capitol.

for crying out loud...
well i got at least one thing accomplished during the last 4 days: that awesome banner up there at the top of the page, with the help of Cam.  (ok ok, i did finish editing pictures, we did go see lights up at temple square- still waiting for the dancing house, and i diddddd take some ok pictures... but no cleaning, dresser, and i'm still not packed for texas)

i can't wait to go home. i can't wait for the drive (i'll regret that in 25 hours) and feeling allowed to drink all the coke i want in the next day. can't wait to see jake, and my family, and be in warm weather and just be at home... i won't miss the snow, i won't miss work, i will miss cam and our days of day adventures that officially ended when he up and got a job this week- how rude, i won't miss the responsibility of 7 goldfish (killed another yesterday)... 

the first are more attempts at cloning...

Cam and I went up to Temple Square to shoot the Christmas lights... It was freezing but we got some fun pictures...

Some cute ones that I got of Jimmy and Danika and their little guy Henry...

peace out till Christmas Eve... back to utah, back to snow, back to work... bleh.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

i'm tired but i can't force myself to go to bed. i have so much stuff to do and i don't want to do any of it. i just want to enjoy this winter weather and my days off. i want to be under a blanket watching Elf with hot chocolate and another person. and i want to drive through the snow with the windows down to hear how quiet the white blanket makes things seem. and i want to sit outside the christmas light house that dances to carols. i want to take good pictures this week cause last week was an artistic slump.

things i need to do instead:
-take that sleeping bag and air mattress back to nicole
-edit pictures edit pictures edit pictures
-give edited pictures to whom they belong
-clean my apartment cause it smells. i hate when the apartment smells.
-finish that damn dresser
-go through my 2 closets full of clothes and get rid of it all
-go to the gym and get not fat
-take my car in to get serviced. haha. serviced.
-christmas shop (shoot me now)
-dr appointments and court runs with girls at work

but anywho, i'm super excited to go take pictures at the orchard at the state hospital... covered in snow? so perfect. i need a model. i wish i had a 4 year old that i could dress in bright winter clothes. i am happy about this cold weather cause it means the lake is gonna freeze over soon. and that rocks.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

"Can you unfold his ear??"

Next episode? The Dunn's...
I'm almost done editing pictures. They were fun, their baby is cute, and the BYU alumni building was a great place to get out of this nasty weather!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

things have been crazy, trying to decide on a place to move, figuring out school or career possibilities (oh, how i'd love to work for a photographer), getting ready to drive home for a couple of days... it's all been keeping me busy and things feel chaotic, but it's the good kind of mayhem. i'm ready for some change in my life. my bishop agreed that those things are positive changes i need to make right now, and if eel good about my decisions lately even though some of them have been hard.

hanging out with cam late at night when we are both goofy and unproductive sometimes brings decisions that don't look so smart in morning light. like spending 2 hours wandering around walmart and leaving with 23 goldfish. yeah. 23 damn goldfish. what started out as cam getting 3 'bitches for Fivius' turned into the walmart guy getting a little net happy. the tank was full of those little goldfish and he just scooped up a netfull and according to cameron 'it didn't look like he had that many in there!'... so that's how i acquired 11 more fish. what the hell. bev's tank isn't big enough and so they are sitting in a bowl in my room on the floor. all i really ever wanted was a black goldfish like that one down there... that i killed that same day. when kami and i bough best friend goldfish 2 years ago when she had to move up to logan and we missed each other too much. mine died that day. she dumped hers into the canal a semester later.

i absolutely can't wait to drive home next week. the franke family christmas party is seriously the highlight of my christmas season, maybe my whole year. my godfather always passes out. my cousins are crazy and great and all so different from each other. there's mass drinking and the loudest white elephant game you'll ever know. lacy thongs and bottles of vodka and hunting knives and garden ridge reject crafts. it doesn't get any better...
free groping (it may come from your married step-cousin, maybe your niece...)
mom, aunts, cousins, alcohol

the flask i stole from my Opa during white elephant

'stress relievers'

rodent gifts

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The sky is falling

it happens sometimes... everything crashes down on you... but really, it's not as bad as it seems. you might actually like the chaos, like the change of scenery...

we went and shot in the desert west of lehi, it was freezing, otherwise i'd have let the exposure go for a good half hour or something.... the results are pretty fun, can't wait to get out somewhere and do it again (Delicate Arch, Moab, anybody???)

Things are a little crazy, but I have all of next week off before I leave for Texas on Friday morning and I can't wait to get stuff done, make some changes, play and hopefully get out of Provo for a day or overnight trip....

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I need a healthy coping skill.

I'm always tired.

I'm pissed that my sister is going to china again and i'll be in provo without her (though last time was one of the most social 5 months of my life). I'm also pissed that I don't have the balls to go with her, not make any income for 6 months, not be paying off debt or working or getting back to school.

the stars move much faster than I ever imagined. picture proof tomorrow.

Monday, December 8, 2008

roses are red...

so earlier this evening i got a text from a number i didn't know and it went a little something like: 'hey tara, you gave me your number in the wilk a year ago, i came across your note while moving, figured it wouldn't hurt to see if you were around...'

a year (for reals?) ago, kristi and i were sitting upstairs in the wilk, above the terrace, i don't even remember why. i just remember that there was this way hot guy at a table about 15 feet away studying with a portly friend. after like 20 minutes of debating and a dare i think, finally on our way walking out, i slipped the note next to him on his table. it had a cheesy non rhyming roses-are-red poem. and my number. and i hoped and prayed that his homely friend wasn't close enough to think it might be for him. i've never done that before, never did it after that....

where is that tara? where's the confidence, the ambition, the 'that boy will call me if i just leave my number and he watches me walk away' assuredness? now i'm the insecure, settling type. apparently. anywho... we have a lunch date this week. a blind date that wasn't blind. weird? sure. but if something good were to happen, think of the awesome story...

i don't usually get what i want. apparently you have to go for those things, not hesitate, act in the moment.... i tend to hold back at the most inconvenient times, and regret it hours, days, weeks later... (i regret it, but i lost my chance)

i'm getting back to that tara. i'm making decisions. i can make things happen. i can see myself.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

oh yeah, i got a fish. another one...those of you who really know me know i don't keep fish alive, no matter how hard i try. i think i'm just trying to satiate my intense desires for a puppy. that and cameron and i made a bet that whoever's fish lives longest gets sushi... yum, huh? ironic? yes... (is it ironic? Read Rich's April 10th entry and tell me. Dear Rich, I miss you. i need you to tell me what to do with my life again, cause i remember all the ways you reassured me over the years, but they don't sound the same coming from just me)

anywho... we'll see how this goes. i hate the fish. she sits at the bottom of the tank and doesn't move. she hates me back.

i'm off

at what point do we become disenchanted? with things or life in general? with people as a whole or certain ones? is it when life or they have let us down enough times? when we've given chance after chance only to have them still not man up? or maybe it's when we realize that no matter what, they will never live up to even their own potential, let alone your dream of them (in regard to you? see: selfishness). or is it when you simply find something new and shiny and full of colorful prospects and airy possibilities?

maybe its all a good thing- it gets your head out of the clouds so you can focus on reality and what really could be... lets you focus on attainable goals and desires, not fantasies and 11:11 wishes...

i don't know... these things fill my head at 4 a.m.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

trying again, goldfish #4...

i have to work today, on my day off, i volunteered to take somebody's shift, and now i totally regret it. haha. oh well.

it's been a week almost without heat or hot water. it's so miserable. they're supposed to turn it on today sometime before 6 tonight... then i have to figure out who i trust to light the pilot. last night i went over to cam's to do start trails, but his couch was so warm that i just fell asleep instead. how sad. today i bit the bullet and took the coldest shower of my life.

thanksgiving was good- working that day was actually more fun than working normal days... we did a whole lot of nothing/whatever we wanted, and had a catered thanksgiving dinner that maybe beat your aunt sue's dry turkey and lumpy mashed potatoes. really, it wasn't bad. and 3 shifts at time and a half was nothing to complain about either. i did NOT go shopping friday- never have, maybe never will... saturday i hung out with kristi all day, we went up to kaysville to hang out with derek and sean and their mom. saw bolt, which was super cute and pretty funny.

umm... what else...
i'm behind on pictures, i'm behind on posting pictures...

Friday, November 28, 2008

laugh a little.

haha, i love BYU...

(taken from the Police Beat website)

Nov. 15: Police found five males on the intramural field while it was locked and closed to the public. Officers told them to leave.

Nov. 12: A suspicious duffel bag was discovered in a landscaped area near the Richards Building. Police discovered that the bag was empty.

Nov. 9: A female student was reported missing for two days. It turned out the student had been staying with a friend and had failed to inform her roommate.

Nov. 9: A group of four or five males were walking through Heritage Halls near Fugal Hall, shouting the words, "Proposition eight."

Nov. 5: Someone entered the shower room in Merrill Hall and cut the shower curtains off the rods, leaving them in the shower stalls.

Nov. 6: Officers responded to a call concerning a disorderly person in the atrium of the HBLL. The subject at issue was wearing a red shirt, a scarf around his neck, a red mask around his eyes and holding several roses. He was holding a sign that read, "Ask me for ... A-Hug, A-Rose, A-Hand, A-Date, A-Nything else." When officers told him he wasn't allowed to solicit in this manner, he continued to argue and told them he wasn't going to stop. Officers then explained that he may be arrested for disorderly conduct but he said he had diplomatic immunity and could not be arrested. When officers told him that it is necessary to receive permission from the dean of student life to demonstrate on campus, he agreed to follow through with the dean and left the area.

Oct. 28: Police received a delayed report about a man claiming to be Joseph Smith reincarnated engaging people in religious conversations. Police are waiting to see if the man shows up again.

Nov. 1: Police received a call concerning screams and pounding coming from a room in the Maeser Building. Police investigated and discovered the screaming man was a custodial worker watching the game between Texas and Texas Tech, and was upset about his team's loss.

Oct. 18: A female resident of Wymount Terrace called in a suspicious phone call in which a man made statements with the intent of hypnotizing the student. The student said she does not remember most of the conversation, but remembers she called him her master. Police say it is virtually impossible to hypnotize someone over the phone.

Sept. 13: Police responded to a call reporting suspicious characters at the OIT construction site on the south end of campus. Upon arrival, the suspects were discovered to be construction workers.

and this

i have a coworker who does this well (speaking of, he had most of us shooting mashed potatoes out our noses yesterday at dinner with his magic show... holy crap)

Thursday, November 27, 2008


today was long, but i'm really not too tired. just worn out.. haha.
worked a double- 9 a.m. to 11 p.m. with a bunch of... if i could only describe them accurately... teen girls. we sat around and watched movies. we had fun. we had a big catered 'thanksgiving dinner' at 1 p.m. we had a drink run for staff who were losing it after 13 hours. we had a dial 9 at the end of the night for a girl who probably shouldn't have been allowed to have all the sugar she wanted.
i got paid 14 hours of time and a half, with another 8 coming tomorrow... who knew black friday was a real holiday? no complaints here...

i feel blah. maybe because i wasn't with family or derek's family, which is the same, for the holiday. sitting around saying what we're thankful for, making blankets, playing with babies.. or at home, listening to my loud cousins, driving down to get mexican food at midnight, or eating tamales instead of turkey.

maybe because i know what somebody wants and it's something i want too and i'm too scared to be open (and i hate being cliche). maybe because i hold out for no reason. sometimes i get crushed. and they didn't even mean to or think i'd care.

maybe because my heat/hot water is not working and i'm stuck sleeping with a space heater nearby not able to actually sleep cause i think it's going to catch my bed and me on fire.

whatever it is, who cares. it's thanksgiving. i'm thankful
my mom and dad and stepmom and sister and everyone else i'm related to- i seriously have the coolest family.
and my friends
and what i believe
my camera and books and music and ears and eyes to enjoy such things
and you (if you fall in none of the above???)

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

cute 'lil guy...

monday schmonday...

(don't fall in!)

most people hate mondays... it's my favorite day of the week- the first of my 2-3 days off, my weekend... i love my days off more than anybody ever could ever love days off. i love that i can drive to salt lake just to try out a new restaurant. i love that i can wear my favorite jeans (that are so close to having to be retired until i can make them into shorts for summer, booo!) and one of 20 colors of american apparel tshirts and tennis shoes the whole time and not have to worry about a dress code (we are about to have to wear PCS polo shirts... POLO SHIRTS!!! ps, i look horrible in polo shirts). i love that i can spend time with other people who either don't work or only have an hour of class or work at nights... i take all my pictures on my days off. i love driving and how cheap gas is and going to sonic 2 or more times a day. dear monday, i love you.

yesterday cam and i went up... somewhere? past deer creek. or was it beaver creek? beaver bend? dear beaver? i don't know where we were, i just know it took a long time to get there. we saw some waterfalls that were frozen or in the process of freezing. i got ice shoved down my shirt and pants. i said some dumb things (happens a lot).

i love barne's n noble...

and subway (especially when i'm starving cause all i had so far today was a vanilla dr. pepper and i am starting to get grumpy and if you don't make a decision about where to get food i might shove you out the passenger side door)

we watched jumper. cameron's little brother jeremy is just funny and sweet and they are exactly alike. things were funny. i almost peed my pants.

today i'm finishing noteworthy's traffic and such pictures. and going to see erin and her little baby. and doing some shopping. i want to buy a small turkey. cause i want to learn how to cook a turkey. i work thanksgiving this year- so for the first time i'll be spending it alone. weird... since i was living in texas i've ether spent my thanksgiving with my best friend derek's family or david's family. may try to get up to centerville to hang out with derek and the pando's for a while friday morning or saturday (cause i don't wanna miss making blankets for homeless people, or staying up all night watching movies and playing the sign game and building pyramids, and going to see a movie thanksgiving night and playing at the park in the mornings)... just gonna be a strange year.

i must get productive. things are going to happen today.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

saw twilight tonight... (ps if you are in provo and haven't yet seen it, go see it at the scera theater- it's only $6.50 and the theater was about 1/3 full!)

best part of the movie???

this... sexxxxxyyy... gorgeous to (actually) die for Jeep Rubicon

want to see her up close and personal???
hand check!

talk about something to lust after. not to mention all the other cars... seriously, the best scenes were that jeep driving through the mud and the scene when edward saves bella in the dark alley in his volvo s60r.

the rest of the movie was allright (bella's acting was atrocious, but then again, the books totally lean on cheesy cliche's-stammering and breath-stopping moments)

i did love the darkness of the movie-dark scenes, nothing too bright, rich greens of the great northwest... and jacob with his long hair and perfect white teeth? yes please (next movie...)! i'll admit, at first i was disappointed with edward- but as the movie wore on (and on and on), i ended up falling for his intensity.

anywho.... i have to work in the morning. guess i should sleep.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

wishful thinking

think i could convince BYU to get in on this ??

i love sweats. especially now that it's gonna get cold (is winter coming or not??)
if BYU doesn't jump on the bandwagon (i'm guessing my chances might be slim) i might hold out for utah to do it. it's only a matter of time before the eewts embrace. and maybe i'll apply for grad school just so i can make the switch official. (hey, i've done it before, i just changed my mind at the last minute and decided not to start classes...)

Life is Life.

and the ups and downs are good. each makes you appreciate the other, doesn't it?
catherine and i were talking out in the middle of center street last night at 2 a.m. i was upset, she was her normal calm and rational and optimist self. she made the point that by always looking forward to something to come, you forget to live in the day (it was late, but i'm pretty sure that was the gist of it). and how always thinking back on the past only makes now go by unnoticed and un... lived? in the way that it should be? and then today i read this talk, from Thomas Monson, and he mentioned the exact same thing...

"This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and non-existent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now.
I am what my wife, Frances, calls a “show-a-holic.” I thoroughly enjoy many musicals, and one of my favorites was written by the American composer Meredith Willson and is entitled The Music Man. Professor Harold Hill, one of the principal characters in the show, voices a caution that I share with you. Says he, “You pile up enough tomorrows, and you’ll find you’ve collected a lot of empty yesterdays.”
My brothers and sisters, there is no tomorrow to remember if we don’t do something today."

(so what are you going to do today? tell somebody you care? make a real decision and stop wavering? move forward? stop worrying about what might happen up ahead and be the best person that you can be today?)

been working on some stuff for noteworthy's next album's art... it's got me doing things i haven't done so far- some night shooting, long exposures... pretty fun, i love night painting/light painting pictures, now i understand a little bit better how it technically works, so now i'm excited to get out and do other stuff with it... (thanks cam for helping me figure that stuff out!)

we went to salt lake tonight. i stood on a pole like the one in the middle of the picture with less than a square foot to be on with the tripod and in the middle of the trax tracks... when the traintraxwhateveritis drove by it was less than a foot and a half to each side of me.... kinda fun.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

things that are awesome:
that face. spoon me. graffiti. driving around with nowhere to go with her.

things that are ridiculous:
the fact that finishing this dresser has taken me like 2 weeks. the fact that i can't undertake any project without tons of junk food (a ring pop, a bowl of chocolate popcorn, a 2 liter of pomegranate 7-up.

things that are sad:
i can't wear my favorite jeans to work anymore. they got hole'd and we got a dress code. bah.

things that rock:
yeah, he makes that face always when he pictures. i think the camera doesn't work if he doesn't.

things that are funny:
that he tried to make it the whole way and he is a goof...

but then he remembered that if he walks and doesn't hold those up, they fall right down.

(but he really did make it the whole way)

things that are glorious:
there is a beach in utah county.

Monday, November 17, 2008


I love the little red wheels of soft cheese. They save me, when, at 3 a.m. I crave. Cause, (cue understatement of the year) I am not like other girls. I don't crave chocolate, sweets. I crave carbs. I could eat pasta 8 x a day. I crave noodles & my alfredo/hot sauce blend always. And when I know i'll be angry the next morning at the late night consumption of nearly a grand of calories (i eat a lot, I don't generally click with portion control), these soft cheesies save me...

I filled up my car in AmF/PG the other night for $18.12... At under a quarter tank!! I can take up my favorite pastime again.

I want to one day have a photographer follow me around- is that vain? I really want to see what I do all day, and what I really look like. Cause I know I have a skewed perception of mirrored images of myself. But seeing recent pictures shocks me lately. (and there have been pretty few) What do I really look like?
blogger is seriously hating me right now. uploading pictures is a nightmare. here are the 3 i could get on from back when cam and i went up to the great salt lake/saltair... i'll try again tomorrow. i'm bored and starving and it's almost 3 a.m. so i can do nothing about both.

reflect this.

room with no view...

blue skies up ahead...

Friday, November 14, 2008

mind blubber

i hate public restrooms. with a passion. even more so when there's a line to get into a stall in a PUBLIC RESTROOM. and I HAVE TO GO INTO THAT TINY TINY NASTY stall immediately after somebody exits cause there is some impatient woman in line behind me who wouldn't understand how DISGUSTING it is to walk into that TINY STALL to the body smells of another person!! Who HAS BEEN URINATING OR WORSE IN THAT 2x2 area! i hate being in public restrooms at the same time as other people. i'm really disturbed about this today. scary park bathrooms are the worst. public bathrooms are a stain on the underwear of this nation.

i love other things though. like catherine. and the 2 cd's she made me (i've craved music the last week more than food). and the pudding. and the flower. and the words. love her. love her music. love that we went through some same things with one same person and get each other.

i love the girls i work with- they are a little nutso at times (a lot) and they are out of control and can't control their emotions mostly and they aggravate me to no end some days. but really, they make me laugh and they are awesome mostly.

i love tomatoes and provolone.

i love sleepovers and staying up all night laughing and talking and and the fact that lately my deepest conversations have been with males. it reminds me that i do have the ability to communicate with them even though they drive me nuts.

i really love grey's anatomy.

i love roadtrips and the fact that i will get to drive home for a couple days in december and see the great roadsides of the southwest.

what do you love?

(dear cam, where have you been? come back to blogs!)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

(he wants me)

and i enjoy making him wait around for me, hope, wonder. is that horrible? i hate it when a boy does that to me, and i've never done this to one before... and here i am messing with him in the same way that generally makes me cry some nights. maybe cause he has no feelings. or cause we won't turn into anything more than a good makeout (would we??? is it even really good if it's not leading into something special- trust, loyalty, genuine care??) is it human nature to shun others when we've been turned away from? or is this just me? i feel in control for the first time in a few months- i'm not the one waiting . ok, i am, kinda, but at the same time i'm focusing on keeping this guy just far enough away to keep asking for more. the tables turn... (it looks the same over here though...)

pictures to come.

i have a huge crush on clint eastwood. i want a cowboy (or at least a cowboy in spirit. no wranglers, thankyouverymuch)

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

i'm shameless

i heard the song over a month ago. at the end of a grey's anatomy episode. and i scoured the internet for the lyrics, the artist, anything. i found it buried in some obscure corner of the www, and almost cried when i saw that the album wasn't being released till nov. 11th.... NOVEMBER 11TH!!! I have been checking itunes almost daily hoping they'd release the single early... and they released 3 album singles... but not THE ONE...

and so tonight i got home from derek's at 12:30... and i came straight to the computer and downloaded the other 8 songs... and i love it. i am not ashamed to say that i'm addicted to taylor swift. she's like, 18 or something. country. twangy at times. sometimes her voice wavers (whose doesn't?). i don't care. i'm a lyrics girl. she's my mind. i don't know if it's a good thing that i think like a big haired 18 year old. (at least she's gorgeous...) but either way, it's true, i can't quit her songs. david used to make fun of me for blasting her, and 2 years later i haven't grown out of it. whatever.

want to know me right now? go read lyrics.
White Horse (the song of all songs that I waited over a month for)
The Way I Loved You
You Belong With Me
You're Not Sorry
Forever & Always

you know you want to... go... read... be uplifted. relive high school days (or 23-year-old days)
cause everyone's got that one singer who they should be seriously embarrassed to love so much. but you aren't. i'm not.

(ok a tiny bit)

Monday, November 10, 2008

new songs on the ipod from ben folds, gym class... the weather won't cooperate but i'm going anyway. i can't sit at home the next 2 days, i'll go crazy. i need to take pictures. can't get rid of my anger any other healthy way. i like hiding behind the camera. i like the rain.

(she wears short skirts, i wear tshirts...)

tonight i looked through some moab pictures. i decided that's just the way to live. in your bathing suit, sleeping in a truck bed or in the dust under the stars on tarps with 12 others, 100 others around you, boys who go shirtless and sometimes less-less, hiking till you might die but making it to the top at sunset. eating everything outside. naps under trees and then sneaking into the public pool to bathe. finding the right boy to share your sleeping bag and bottles of water with for the weekend.

(what you're looking for has been here the whole time),

i don't want to deal with 2 blogs. i've been lazy about getting more pictures on the other one. forgives.

(can't wait 2 more days, i'm addicted to her and not ashamed)

Friday, November 7, 2008

today my blog is my diary

dear you,
some days ago, a jolly man told me to hang on to hope. cause that's all that really gets us through anything. and i've been hanging on real hard but sometimes while my fingers are entwined in a wrapped up rope i look down below my dangling self and realize that i sometimes prefer to let go of hope. cause sometimes if you don't expect anything, you get to be pleasantly surprised. this is probably not the best way to do things.
lately i talk too much- more than you want to hear, more than you ever bargained for. i ask you questions over and over. i have a constant need for reassurance. i apparently have not learned yet to get this from myself. i hold on to things that are not there cause that's what i was taught to do. i don't want you (but i really do). there's something exhilarating about this, and there isn't even a this.
there's that one song, 'you are strong but you're needy, humble but you're greedy... you're style is quite selective, though your mind is rather reckless...' and all that other stuff? that's what you pseudo got into. i can never have enough though i pretend i don't want anymore. i go back on what i say 100% of the time- i don't stick to my guns. my mind is too much for me to handle- it runs 47 miles an hour faster than i do, 53 miles faster than my heart. i hesitate until i realize i was never really hesitating at all, just thinking maybe i should. by that time i'm too far gone to remember.

i ignore rejection as much as the advice from others. i like to learn these things the hard way.

(and i just got completely thrown off cause my phone just rang... a number i haven't seen for a year and a half. and exactly the person i've been needing reassurance from lately/the last 3+ years. i didn't completely screw up, right? he tells me i did a good job and was a great person, he tells me what i already know about myself and some things i sometimes hate hearing- but in the nicest way possible, and from somebody who actually experienced it firsthand. and with resignation that he took advantage of my personality at times. he's the one whose advice i don't ignore anymore. and who i'm glad i can count on for real advice now, no strings or feelings attached, every few years or so until i don't need advice on how to be at this point anymore. reassurance comes in the strangest places.)

hope wins.

i don't wanna go to work today. but i'm excited for tomorrow.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

long loooong post...

In other news, my best friend and once roomate Andrea had a little baby yesterday... Congrats to her and Zac!

I love my best friends. I wish we could go back to our crappy King Henry Apartment and relive our whole sophomore year. Life was so simple. We didn't date (well, except Nicole) cause we were all writing missionaries (ah, freshman love)-one of which turned into a husband- go Zac!!

i don't even remember anything about school except for the moment i would get off the bus from campus and walk into apartment. that's where my life started. kami and i had movie night every night, pushing the couches right up against our like, 13 inch tv, drinking 64 oz cokes (the gas station on the corner had a drive through and had great vanilla dr. pepper and vanilla coke) and eating popcorn and watching serendipity all night. we would all crowd on one twin sized bunk to cuddle and then get so loud and out of control that our neighbors upstairs would come down mad. we did not use inside voices-normal everyday conversations were carried out in yell volume. we had nightly wrestling matches in the living room, and only sometimes invited boys. we pulled our mattresses out for all-nighters studying or sleepovers. we would celebrate each others birthdays by dressing crazy in pantyhose and leotards and running around the apartment complex, or we'd sunbathe in our courtyard - one of us wearing a teeny tiny bikini- right where everyone getting off the bus from school had to walk right past us. kami and i went to the hot tub every night, except when it snowed to hard and then we just filled up the bathtub. we've traveled to weddings, funerals, and just to visit... we've been there through breakups and engagements and everything in between ("he told me he loved me! i've only known him for a month..."), shared beds, and parents, and colds and food, hometowns and cars...

seriously, that's the best college memories i made, and i love these girls and can't wait till our babies are playing together in the sand while we sit on the porch of our rented summer beach house (yeah, we have these things planned...) of course, that means i have to get on the ball about getting married or something, i'm so far behind them, their kids will babysit mine... except for kami who will have her 11th right around my first, that should work well...

and now, living proof:

hot tub? bath tub!

wrestling matches

once we got dressed up.. haha... (sorry these pictures are so unflattering)
nicole gets married...

true blue football

dre and i dressed up as mary and joseph for halloween once...

kami and i love each other, even in the cold...

dre gets married...
kami and i on our weird crazy trip to wendover...
hello seattle!

kami get's married...

i love them.

i see you too...