Friday, January 2, 2009

the things you learn at work

so a couple of weeks ago one of the therapists gave me that personality test - you know, the color one?  we were bored and talking about colors, and i decided to do it even though i thought i remembered what i was- half blue half white.... nothing had changed.  anybody who knows me knows how exactly on target these 'colors' are.  blues are motivated by alltruism (my marriage prep class a few years back taught this as unselfish concern for the welfare of others, to the point of giving up one's self) and whites are motivated by other people's desires (peace keepers). in no way is this a praise to myself, exactly, because like i said, anybody who knows me well enough knows that i sometimes give anything for love and to be needed by another.  i fall hard and easily, i'm devoted to lost causes, i'm never the first to walk away from a bad relationship- i probably cling harder when it's threatened to be taken away.  i give up far more than i receive in return (at least as far as 'romantic' relationships go- i have some seriously amazing friends). i desperately want other people to be happy with me and want to stay with me forever, and when my heart is broken it stays that way for so long (i'm pretty sure i was devastated last week when i found out jordan was engaged- my freshman year 'first love'... cause i still hold out for what i had with him- he was the best).  as for the white side of me, i'll do anything to avoid conflict- david used to point out that i was so scared of something bad happening because we were 'fighting' that i couldn't even talk about the issue- completely true. i was terrified to talk about anything that ended in him saying that maybe we shouldn't be together.... so tragic. haha!

just thought it was interesting how well the colors matched. it was about 55% blue and 45% white. 

can you change these things? not that i would necessarily want to drastically rid myself of these traits- or that i even could- but i think for 2009 i need to have a goal of being more balanced... in all aspects. but most importantly in how i handle situations with relationships.  so bring on the selfishness and confrontational ways, i need some shake-up. 

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