(i'll find a way to you if it kills me... i think it might kill me.)

ever realize you've been trying real hard for something (or maybe somebody, maybe yourself) and you realize maybe it was a bust from the beginning? maybe you knew that all along... just in denial as usual...

i hate those moments of realization- sometimes they come in a series of a 'well that figures' and a 'of course's and you just chalk it up to bad timing, better luck next time... before you finally get enough of the little kick-in-the-ass instances that you figure if you don't walk away now you'll end up down in a gutter somewhere. i don't know if this makes sense...

why does it always take me so long to get to that point? cause anyone who knows me knows this ain't the first time.
and why do i still not want to face it, why do i still want to try?

cause that part of me will probably never change, i'll probably never slap myself and figure that people will let you down, you will let you down, life will let you down sometimes. i guess cause sometimes randomly, things get ironed out... on one part of the sleeve at least.

so peace.

(i'm off to explore fall with the 50 mm that i've started to love)

it's fall...


having a sister is having a always-around-and-willing-even-if-she's-not model.

plus she's pretty hot...







(if anyone has some clue how to export these from photoshop without losing so much color, please enlighten me-i had to save them as jpegs to post them... i think- though i'm having major issues with lightroom and photoshop either not importing or screwing up my RAW/NEF files from my d90... I think I'm gonna have to bite the bullet and upgrade to lightroom 2.1 and CS4)

carving pumpkins...


at botanical gardens

downtown austin


other lazy stuff i'm doing today:::

I have... about 20 things i want to do on my days off and pretty much never get around to doing them
I fear... always being like this
I always... have my 5 pounds of camera and lenses in my purse with me
I feel... like i should be making more of a difference. bad. fine.
I hear... the new Ben Folds song, You Don't Know Me (it reminds me of the post i did a few weeks back about not actually knowing the people you know
I smell... change in the air... if i have the drive and self discipline to make it happen
I wish ... i was more athletic, loved running, didn't love crap food
I hate... blowdrying/straightening my wavy hair- and those stupid cowlicks!
I wonder... when i'm going to find the right person, when i'm gonna grow up.
I regret....not sticking with nursing at BYU... if i'd had my chem-major boyfriend help me with my homework instead of just searching for places far away from dt to make out, i probably would have passed that class and be making $70 grand a year right now fixing people.
I love.... driving... especially far and with nowhere in mind. with a dr. pepper. new songs for my ipod. eating out. watching movies. spooning. You.
I am... not running, i'm not hiding... if you dig a little deeper you will find me
I think... I'm paranoid.
I know... that it's a wonderful world, but i can't feel it right now
I want... a nikon 24-70mm f/2.8 ed af-s lens... to hold your hand
I always.... sleep on my side, with pillows all around me. obsess about and buy new shampoo/conditioner.. i have at least 5 different sets at all times.
I am not ... lost, just undiscovered
I am like... the person Jamie Cullum sings about in "twentysomething"...
I believe.... things happen for a reason, but that we have more influence over our destiny than we consider
I don't always... listen to my head.
I am happy that... i am healthy and have potential
I win... in eating contests against ryan nokes involving cupcakes (9-4)
I lose... things in my room. my keys. lens caps. my mind most days. handstand contests. usually when i talk big.
I never... ever tell people what i'm actually feeling... unless you're kami graves (h) ... then you probably know everything and too much. otherwise, chances are i'm lying to you.
I need... to get it together, to go to the gym, store. You back.
I listen... to lies knowingly and turn them into truths in my mind to satiate my own desires
I am scared of... having babies one day, especially since i've recently resolved to go drug free (after my awesome old roomate erin just did!)
I read... books over and over and over again. especially if they're by john steinbeck.

(confession: some of these answers are james morrison lyrics... and beatles lyrics... kieth urban lyrics... under the influence of giants lyrics, ben kweller lyrics... garbage lyrics)

i smell being let down in the air....

things that seem like a good idea at the time but end up being kinda dumb:
*wearing sweats and uggs and a tshirt and a hoodie to the airport. since you have to be there at 6:15 a.m. ... and since who really cares?
... but then you get done going wherever you're going and you just look like a slob cause it's mid-afternoon on a friday and every other normal human being is dressed and combed. and you aren't.

*renting Amelie cause it's like your favorite movie ever and then realizing that it's 2 weeks overdue and you still haven't watched it but you still are gonna keep it cause you still hope that the opportunity will present itself. don't i own it yet? if only it was redboxed

*buying clothing without trying it on in the store cause you hate dressing rooms.

anyways, more pictures from the great state will come.

(it's been a long year. that's what i decided today.)

also, happy 21st to Kristi tomorrow! ooohhh oooooooooh!

sometimes you need a little hill country...

the weather is in the 80's

gas is $2.35 a gallon (yeah, seriously)

my brother talks and finally can tell the difference between kristi and i.

i'm alternating between cayenne pepper and real food...

i don't want to go back to work (ugh, don't even get me started), but am excited to get back to provo and have like 5 days off still

wow

i think i've lost 13 friends since posting about prop 8 and how i'm tired of hearing about it, about a comment on how we shouldn't let others chose how we vote, etc. i never at all said i was sick of HEARING ABOUT prop 8 because it promoted intolerance of marriage. at all. that's 100 percent not what i said.i did say i was tired of hearing about prop 8. the intolerance of marriage part was never in my vocabulary. i have apparently now become one who embraces sex being taught to kids (man on man at that) and not following my church leaders' counsel...

i like to stir things up every once in a while- apparently i'm good at it.

i love the church, i love it's leaders, i love my future husband, and i love the kiddos that will come along too... there, i said it. that out there, i'm still sick of hearing about prop 8. sue me. i'm also sick of election crap. and sick of drinking cayenne/organic maple syrup/lemons morning noon and night. also, i'm sick of not having anything i want to wear.
maybe i just really word things wrong.
peace out.

dear cam, thank you. for being you. and not other people.

i'm tired of all this election crap. i don't like either. so i vote for Leslie.

i'm tired of all the prop 8 stuff. (sorry californians) i know this makes me a bad person, i know that i have different thoughts on some things, and that's incredibly wrong of me. it's not the different thoughts that make me tired of prop 8. i'm all for marriage, and i plan on having a husband, never a wife (much to the shock of some who know jenn and i), it's the ... i don't know... the intensity, the hatred it brings about for other human beings and their situations (maybe hatred is not a good word... intolerance?) i am a horrible rotten person in the eyes of everyone i know. i just lost 2233 friends. oh well. i think i'm still an ok person. maybe.

i want winter snow but not the cold. i want fake snow. that would make me happy. cause it's so lovely to have hot chocolate and catch snowflakes on your tongue or frolick in fields of white (and heaven knows my favorite thing ever is when utah lake freezes over and i can walk around on it and hang out with the ice fishermen) but i DO NOT like freezing out of the shower, scraping snow and ice off my car, slipping and falling on my butt in the middle of brigham square on campus, or walking anywhere and having snow seep my jeans wet up to my thighs.




(i really really want to try again... this was my first day. the last video is me crying at the end... it was a long day.)

i want a carmel apple and a dr. pepper. instead i'm gonna have some cayenne pepper.

i love the wireless remote for my cameral. prepare for narcissistic photos of the Austin Baird proportion.

i love fall right now.

oh yeah, here's some pictures... kristi and i went driving around (best pastime ever- better now that gas prices are down to about $3.27 a gallon) with our cokes (a vanilla dr. pepper and an actual coke, for y'all that aren't from the south, and don't understand that every carbonated beverage is a coke, even if it's actually an orange crush...) and a bunch of ring pops (yum!). we found an abandoned house that wasn't abandoned, and farms and farm buildings that really were abandoned, and lots and lots of cows.



and the other night preston came over and we watched youtube. and the office. and we played with the guitar. annnndddd we got angry at the cat when his sharp little nails clawed us.


and yesterday cam and i went to salt lake again... we drove around a lot. we went to an amazing discount market thing. we drove around some more. we ate mexican food (duh). we went to a skate park where i met my next boyfriend (see red bike boy. he was hot. he was 15. i wished i was in high school again) and our hands froze and one punk sissy boy complained some loud enough for us to hear but not loud enough to be like a man.


and driving home afterwards i took a picture of the moon going 80 on the freeway.

my buddy pass tickets from Southwest (youarenowfreetomoveaboutthecountry-go south!) were shoved under my door when i woke up...

which means i will soon be doing this:
listening to Pat Green, Carry On, driving a truck around dirt roads with a (diet???) dr. pepper

Eating Chuy's, the best tex-mex ever and bbq where it was meant to be had

And going to 6th street for music and crazy people

And taking pictures of the place I love best
Being with the people I love best...

Yesterday I was pondering the meaning of life after buying a crock pot. (hello fall cooking, where have you been all my life? remember when we used to date?) mostly the meaning of ... can you ever really know a person? could you possibly spend all your life (or just hours or days or 22 days) with somebody and then learn later that they aren't even near to the person you thought they were? these are the questions that 5 quarts of steel and plastic provoke.

i can't get enough of CJane's blog... like these...
http://blog.cjanerun.com/2008/10/human-touch-perspective-by-our-brother.html
cause i love mugging. and i love that this was written by a man...

http://blog.cjanerun.com/2008/10/i-photo.html
cause last night i looked through all my photobooth pictures and laughed.

also, i really want a puppy... one like this:

As of Late...

hmmm... fall is upon us, falling down the mountains like red lava... the leaves are being a little slow to change, but i have a feeling we'll get a storm and they'll be red overnight and then gone the next week.

spent a day in salt lake... walking around downtown, the salt lake cemetary, a park (i can't remember which one), mexican food. salt lake is heaven. cameron is impressive for being able to put up with me for a good all-day long adventure...

spent another day in salt lake... for the same mexican food place ... and american apparel. drove the loop again with kristi. i'm not good at the other side of the camera. i am good at carving trees though.

driving up the back of a mountain...

a wall between buildings in downtown salt lake

and another...
we found an old phone booth
we walked around the salt lake cemetary...

and a park with a ferris wheel...

hey cam, you tired yet?
they call me mellow yellow...
oh yeah that's me...

tree hugger.

i'm in a mood. don't know why. i hate days like this. maybe it's the weather- cold and rainy...

yesterday i had a little exchange where i could have just said hi to somebody but for reasons, i didn't... and then that person had a really bad night... and i know there were other factors that caused the bad night, but what if me saying hi could have made any tiny difference...

its just gonna be one of those days- you know where you walk around with a big ball in your throat somewhere between your stomach and your chest and it just sits there and reminds you all day how you're weird and in a funk and maybe you could do something about it but do you really want to?? and you want to be doing more but you aren't and you don't know why... and you're lonely when there's 6 other people in your apartment at the moment....

i want to be bigger than i am.

[sometimes my picture blog is my diary]

right now i am...

crying hard, reading NieNie's blog...

http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/2007/04/perfect-day.html

specifically that post

at least once a day i read her blog, and her sister's blog, and i cry.

{i want to be just like her.}

eureka!!

driving around with a dr. pepper and my ipod and my camera in search of strange small down things. i love little places where the people drive their 4-wheelers around instead of cars, and where the air smells like farm animals and where people sit out on their porches, and when they wave at you from their cars as they pass you in yours... i love eureka. it almost made me feel like i was in texas again instead of... here.

(except the first one, that one was taken in front of my mattress...)