today my blog is my diary

dear you,
some days ago, a jolly man told me to hang on to hope. cause that's all that really gets us through anything. and i've been hanging on real hard but sometimes while my fingers are entwined in a wrapped up rope i look down below my dangling self and realize that i sometimes prefer to let go of hope. cause sometimes if you don't expect anything, you get to be pleasantly surprised. this is probably not the best way to do things.
lately i talk too much- more than you want to hear, more than you ever bargained for. i ask you questions over and over. i have a constant need for reassurance. i apparently have not learned yet to get this from myself. i hold on to things that are not there cause that's what i was taught to do. i don't want you (but i really do). there's something exhilarating about this, and there isn't even a this.
there's that one song, 'you are strong but you're needy, humble but you're greedy... you're style is quite selective, though your mind is rather reckless...' and all that other stuff? that's what you pseudo got into. i can never have enough though i pretend i don't want anymore. i go back on what i say 100% of the time- i don't stick to my guns. my mind is too much for me to handle- it runs 47 miles an hour faster than i do, 53 miles faster than my heart. i hesitate until i realize i was never really hesitating at all, just thinking maybe i should. by that time i'm too far gone to remember.

i ignore rejection as much as the advice from others. i like to learn these things the hard way.


(and i just got completely thrown off cause my phone just rang... a number i haven't seen for a year and a half. and exactly the person i've been needing reassurance from lately/the last 3+ years. i didn't completely screw up, right? he tells me i did a good job and was a great person, he tells me what i already know about myself and some things i sometimes hate hearing- but in the nicest way possible, and from somebody who actually experienced it firsthand. and with resignation that he took advantage of my personality at times. he's the one whose advice i don't ignore anymore. and who i'm glad i can count on for real advice now, no strings or feelings attached, every few years or so until i don't need advice on how to be at this point anymore. reassurance comes in the strangest places.)

hope wins.

i don't wanna go to work today. but i'm excited for tomorrow.