jealousy

right when ellis was born, just before they handed him to me

today i am jealous of everybody who is pregnant.
yeah, that's ridiculous. i was just that barely over a month ago. and i already want to be again. not really the first months (though, i hate to admit, i had the easiest pregnancy, no morning sickness or heartburn or varicose veins or anything like that), or even the middle ones that are fun cause people can see you are pregnant but you feel great. no, i just want the last month, the anticipation, the huge self that you roll through space and the bit of you that enters a room before your face and the anticipation of labor.


is that crazy? labor. the only part i want to do again. labor and birth and give me that newborn and let me feel how he's the same temperature as me and how soft he is. and then, if you don't mind, put him back in there and let me do it again. my labor was horrible. ok, not horrible. it was horribly painful and i was painfully not there in my head (thanks ambien that was given to me right before contractions started, so i didn't actually ever get to sleep). i want a do over. and another newborn.


i hate admitting to others that i've had an easier time with this whole mothering thing. you are supposed to be bruised and battered! unsure of what you are doing and calling for help throughout the day! exhausted (i admit to a day here and there where i say something mean or can't stay awake to drive my portion of a roadtrip) and emotional. breastfeeding is supposed to be hard, hormones are supposed to be all over the place. i don't know, maybe heavenly father knew that i needed this first one to go this well, or  i wouldn't have another before damon was a doctor. cause i am also jealous of those people who have babies and their husbands are home every night at 5 and don't have to study in the back room or on weekends, who can go on trips together when they want to. who don't have to look forward to summer (2 more months!) before husband can help at night (ellis, i hope you are sleeping through the night by then) and play during the day. anyways. i've had it easy. besides labor, it's been a dream and even labor was a dream through all it's pain and grogginess and people and hospital.


this morning i read CJane's last birth story- well, only part 4. Part 4! can you imagine? if my birth story had 4 parts it would go like this: 1: barfing 2: roaming and the jacuzzi that provided no relief 3: crying and taking the Lord's name (but not really, i really wanted Him to help me out there) and 4: hating how many doctors and nurses were in my room and a little boy.


her story, though, is great. her second birth was at home (the first in a hospital, with an epidural) and i love reading the similarities that all women must have while going through that journey.  the 'i can't do this anymore' that every woman says right before it's time to push (yeah, i said it, over and over and over). you watch, you'll say it. the part about trying to surrender, but feeling like you are being tortured, about meeting new people while you are totally vulnerable and probably naked. CJane and i had almost the exact same moment:


"Suzanne's assistant Mary arrived. I said, "Hi Mary nice to meet you," and then I grunted my way through a contraction. I thought it was funny at the time. How many people do you meet for the first time while in a birthing tub, in your final stages of labor and totally naked?"


a student nurse came in while i was in the jacuzzi. they introduced her to me, i don't remember her name, but i remember saying (crying) 'hi' and then thinking, 'i'm totally naked and i don't know you but you are going to spray water on my back, so thanks i guess'. funny huh? labor must be the universal condition for women.


the intensity of contractions, your body feeling like it's splitting in two, feeling a crowning head with your hand (strangest feeling ever) and then a baby. and then it's over and gone and your baby starts growing and before you know it he's almost 5 weeks old and starting to smile at you. 


and you start wanting to do it again. and start being insanely jealous of anyone who is nearing the end of pregnancy. you start needing the excitement, the anticipation, the pain and the whole miserable joyful thing. and you want to become one of those women- the ones who are pregnant a ridiculously short amount of time after your baby is born, i mean, he doesn't even sit up, and she's having another one!?! two in diapers? two still nursing?? what kind of crazy woman...


i want it to be me. damon, can i have another now? if CJane is having another, i think it's perfectly acceptable.