oh my cute, i want one of these sooooooooooo bad! i mean, the big fat black NIKON strap is cool and all, and it keeps me distinguishable from those uck canon lovers, but THIS is Sassy. 

seriously, what would the world be without Etsy? (the link is over there on the right side if you haven't discovered this Hope Diamond of a gem yet....)

tomorrow, restaurant explorers is back in the biggest and best way possible. since it's founding father is the master of grilling and a texan to boot, i knew it would only be a matter of time before he found us a great bbq place... and boy did he. not only a bbq place, but a genuine bbq place owned and run by a TEXAN!  oh my wonder, i can't wait till tomorrow. it's an hour and a half away, and we have strict instruction to be completely on time, but check this little disclosure: 

"We're taking my car and either two or three others up to Sandy, where we'll leave the two smaller ones and pile into Brett's Escalade so we can look like we're Lil' Wayne's entourage rolling in."

haha. only Austin would want us to look like such as we roll into the place. 

Derek is planning a trip to the tumbling gym that of course is right after this. i may go, but then again, no body wants ribs and brisket puke in the foam pit. 

on a sidenote, i think i'm growing up. i'm being selective. i'm choosing not to let myself be walked all over, be the one being used and giving everything. i'm finally paying off my credit card. i look at used cars.  i may start doing my visiting teaching (shhh, they don't have me assigned to anybody yet, let's keep that on the DL). i'm planning my own valentines day (Cath?) and the jewelry i've decided to buy myself for it. i'm considering investing in gold. haha.

some random stuffers...

you know how in christmas stockings you always get random stuff? (we usually do magazines (my mom has passed on her addiction to magazines... i'd love to subscribe to a million of them but lately i'm addicted to the provo library's magazine section- i'm there now!!), candy (dad-m&ms, mom-heath bars... does pam like candy? haha...), new toothbrushes (i move we switch this to floss- flossing adds 6 years to your life because it prevents gum disease), etc. here is my random stocking assortment of life lately...

i just got an invitation to join jordan's engagement group on fb (where you give your address so they can send an invitation) and it was nice. as in, i knew they'd invited people to this group over 2 weeks ago but i didn't get the invite and i was almost hurt considering i was jordan's first love and he mine, and so i feel like i'm an integral part of him desiring a wife. she is cute, an RM, perfect for him. he was just perfect. i love them, i love what he gave me, i love that at least one relationship i've had was utterly wonderful and gave me the confidence that i'll find that again.  way to go J & J!  

i'm pricing out my tickets to china. woot and a half, i'm so freaking excited, i need june to get here NOW (also i need the june weather and the june moab trip- which jake day has promised me won't interfere with china departure, but austin wasn't so sure, i'm still sweating bullets about that). i'm trying to find a way to make obscenely more amounts of $$ so i can make this trip incredible and buy all the chinese weird stuff they have over there and allllssoooo... my friend sam yam sent me the invite on fb (which i'm confident will one day eliminate the need for actual phone calls, texts, and mailed invites) for a trip across japan and korea and china for the month of august... hmmm.... to extend china trip by another 5 weeks or not...

my hair does look really good wavy. i finally figured out the trick yesterday before church and i'm pretty much really attracted to myself right now, even though it's the day after and not quite as phenomenal.  here's living kind of proof: 

(ok, that's kind of a creepy picture.  and looking at it now, my bangs way need to be trimmed...)

(i'm shushing you, cause this is a library, after all!)

also, i've been incredibly happy after austin's talk that took place like, more than 3 weeks ago or something. for once, somebody's words have actually stuck. sure i still want a lot of changes- i want to be paying off my debt more and making more money and having more friends to hang out with when i'm bored at night and traveling like constantly and having a sweet wonderful boy to run his hands through my phenomenally wavy hair... but it's all good. i'm content, and what i'm not content with, i'm trying to figure out ways to change.  i've had this sudden streak of boldness when it comes to telling guys how i feel.   i think maybe that is attributed to late night texting (not a great idea sometimes!) and a strong want to put things in motion on my own. i need to sometimes remind myself that i am not always in charge and that maybe that's a good thing.  (note favorite scripture ever, Isaiah 55, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways... For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" Duh Tara, you aren't the smart one here! )

other small random things:

*i've been so obsessed with stalking fabulous photographer's blogs lately... 

sheenajibson and leo patrone and blue lilly and dustin izatt (who did sarah and matt's and is so gorgeous) are my absolute favs. 

*i bought a pair of jeans on sale today (What's Hot is having a 30% off the ENTIRE STORE sale right now!) that i've wanted for 3 years now. once i even bought them at nordstrom's but then returned them after sticker shock wore in- they were my first designer jeans purchase and looking back now i laugh, cause i've bought jeans that were almost 3 times what i paid for them today.  those said jeans now have huge holes in the knees and i can only wear them on days off.  i was saving to buy a lens, and this just put a tad of a dent in that. one day i really will try to be better with my money. 

*i want Isla Fisher's hair. plus i can't wait to see her movie, Confessions of a Shopoholic. 

this is getting to be too long and random, so i better end it now!

so i was listening to rush (who i don't incredibly enjoy, but i prefer AM radio over FM, and didnt want to listen to my ipod..) and he brought up this article, and i thought it had some great points made about our new president.  i absolutely stand behind my country's leader, but i think Obama has been so built up by the media (who are so proud to be a part of this 'historic occasion' blah blah blah) that his weaknesses (that will no doubt cause mistakes- he's human. and he has the hardest job in the world. he's gonna screw up. his poo still smells, people) may be brushed aside because, holy crap, he's black!  i think he's a great, charismatic leader, and hopefully he will actually deliver on all the "CHANGE" that he promised, but i also hope he is judged the same as any other president was.  anyways, the article is good.  

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123249791178500439.html

so fun

so cameron and i went by his friend Austin's house last night cause he had a model over and was shooting in his living room studio. the girl started out (and mostly did) some ballet-dance type shots, but after a while switched over to these... it was pretty fun to watch.  i think i need to do some fashion type stuff, it's a little more intense than newborns and family portraits, but awesome.  (it probably helps to have that great lighting setup too!)

trust in a photographer...

the ropes, the chair, a pose...

Austin...

I can bend and not break...

black heels, black rope.

he checks his shot while she checks her pose and expression

i love this one.  (the behind the scenes of a photoshoot)

HOT springs.

so Austin texted me tonight to come over for steaks (seriously, when God starts throwing bbq's in heaven, He'll have Austin grill) and hot springs. the food was amazing (not only can you never say enough about his grill skill, but homade potato 'chips' and sautee'd shrimp in some just-thought-up-and-threw-together marinade is always the case with this stud). about 12 of us ended up driving to the midway hot springs afterward... let me say, that water is so damn hot. not even the burn-your-skin hot... but the hot where you feel like you're instantly having hot flashes, your organs boil, your legs fall asleep and you get 3rd degree burns. and you are nauseous all the drive home (especially down the canyons with terence at the wheel) and still as I type this, I feel ill and overheated. and I even walked around in the 25 degree weather with no pants on after getting out. anywho, it was a blast. I love having great friends almost as much as having weekends off- I forgot how good that is. also I love that my friends are laid back swearing right before we bless the food, full of constant sexual inuendoes or racial jokes, talk about politics and literature in a boiling crater... I even cut potatoes and later shared a rock in the springs with a hot half mexican byu law college student... who was butt naked the whole time. doesn't get any better.

two blogs is a paaaaaiiiin... i usually end up putting the same pictures on both cause i don't know who looks at which or if people look at both. sheesh.. here's a couple...  there was this really heavy fog sitting over the valley the other morning, and it was eerie  and quiet and cool...

and then i took some pictures of these twin babies... and it almost made me want 2 of my own... they had the most beautiful handmade blessing gowns... i need to learn how to sew so i can make those!

this one is A

this one is B

and both...

i've taken pictures, but i can't find my card reader ANYWHERE... soooo until i find it or get another, i can't post anything new. i have a best buy gift card sitting around, guess that'll come in handy....

friday night after a particularly loooonnnng day at work (how many times can one girl call you a b***h or tell you she's gonna 'shut you up' or can you try to convince a 15 year old who has a 2 year old that she doesn't need to date the 16 year old from the other dorm who is in a rival gang and whom she'll have to suffer a beating  for if her gang finds out, but she really really reaaaalllly loves her and wants to move - with her baby- to another state to be with said 16 year old.... ?)  my sweet friend Austin told me to come over since we hadn't seen each other in a while.  him being in law college and me having the crappiest hours possible, and all... sidenote: i walk into the basement of this bachelor pad to find austin, his brother creighton, neil, and 2 other guys all watching a chick flick... 11:30 pm, friday night.  anyways, we hung out for a few hours, in which he (as usual) tried to give me some direction in life.  i talked about all the areas that i felt i was lacking in, all the changes i wanted to make, all the stupid things i've been doing the last few months, all the questions i have about what i'm supposed to be doing with my 'future'... i'm so glad for his clear and blunt mind. men are so great like that. especially smart sweet friend kinds.  (the great massage didn't hurt either) he said that the best thing to do when you want to make lots of changes cause everything feels out of control and bad, is to pick the crappiest biggest one and work on it first. so simple...  duh.  one thing at a time. snowball effect.  well, backwards snowball... hmm... melting snowball effect. 

tonight at work i was reading (love in the time of cholera, fyi) and there was this quote, i loved it: "... human beings are  not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but... life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves"

truer words were never spoken (ok maybe some were...)

so on that note, i'm heading to vegas tomorrow with kristi. one of the best decisions i've eve made was to sign up for MGM's "Player's Club" card while I was gambling on a stay there with Ironhorse.  with my mothers' gambling abilities and  mine combined, i've earned tons of points but have never used any of the incentives. so we're cashing in on the comp deluxe rooms and getting the hell out of doge (aka cold snowy boring provo).  word to your mom. 

the things you learn at work

so a couple of weeks ago one of the therapists gave me that personality test - you know, the color one?  we were bored and talking about colors, and i decided to do it even though i thought i remembered what i was- half blue half white.... nothing had changed.  anybody who knows me knows how exactly on target these 'colors' are.  blues are motivated by alltruism (my marriage prep class a few years back taught this as unselfish concern for the welfare of others, to the point of giving up one's self) and whites are motivated by other people's desires (peace keepers). in no way is this a praise to myself, exactly, because like i said, anybody who knows me well enough knows that i sometimes give anything for love and to be needed by another.  i fall hard and easily, i'm devoted to lost causes, i'm never the first to walk away from a bad relationship- i probably cling harder when it's threatened to be taken away.  i give up far more than i receive in return (at least as far as 'romantic' relationships go- i have some seriously amazing friends). i desperately want other people to be happy with me and want to stay with me forever, and when my heart is broken it stays that way for so long (i'm pretty sure i was devastated last week when i found out jordan was engaged- my freshman year 'first love'... cause i still hold out for what i had with him- he was the best).  as for the white side of me, i'll do anything to avoid conflict- david used to point out that i was so scared of something bad happening because we were 'fighting' that i couldn't even talk about the issue- completely true. i was terrified to talk about anything that ended in him saying that maybe we shouldn't be together.... so tragic. haha!

just thought it was interesting how well the colors matched. it was about 55% blue and 45% white. 

can you change these things? not that i would necessarily want to drastically rid myself of these traits- or that i even could- but i think for 2009 i need to have a goal of being more balanced... in all aspects. but most importantly in how i handle situations with relationships.  so bring on the selfishness and confrontational ways, i need some shake-up. 

Dear 2009,

i'm glad you're here. we have some things to talk about... like how you're going to be my best year so far and how all sorts of things are going to happen. 

i'm starting over. changing the way i do things and turning more into the person i'm supposed to be.  leaving behind the ridiculousness, the topsy-turvy, all over the place, up and down, can't-make-up-her-mind-or-find-what-she-wants Tara. remind me to not forget and do something stupid...

love,

me